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/ Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,    \
| shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm  |
| as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like  |
| bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;  |
| she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a   |
| man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the    |
| right road: a man like Alf Romeo.                                             |
|                 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner                                     |
|                                                                               |
| The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never |
| see her little dog Pritzi again.                                              |
|                 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up                                  |
|                                                                               |
| It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a |
| tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it  |
| was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.                                  |
|                 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up                                     |
|                                                                               |
| Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is  |
| named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy      |
| night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the    |
\ worst possible novel.                                                         /
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